Wounds that cannot heal, part 2

In my first post, we spoke about various coping mechanisms that growing up in less than ideal circumstances, or experiencing trauma. In this blog I will explain the coping mechanism of the clown, and the mascot or trouble-maker,

Children growing up in alcoholic or dysfunctional families assume these coping skills in order to lessen the pain of chaos.

THE MASCOT

The mascot is the one in the family, who attempts to defuse the tension and the dysfunction by drawing attention to themselves. They are often daredevils, trouble makers and always 'up to something.'

These children are often misunderstood as troublesome children and corrected but a deeper look will reveal that the family iteself is deeply troubled, In a recent case, there was a young boy named Erik who set fires in fields or in abondoned buidings. He was disciplined for this and even spent time before a youth court justice. He was sent to pschiatrists and the results were puzzling. This was not an anti social young boy, he was social, he had friends and was an excellent student. His family was well regarded within the community and everything looked perfect.

There was the issue, the family was almost too perfect! A social worker began to look more closely at the family and noticed some bruising on one of his sisters, and some unexplained work absences. When Erik's friends were questioned, they noted they never were invited to his house because his Mom did not want any visitors. He spent time at the home of his friends.

The social worker decided to re interview the boys parents and siblings and from the drawings of his young sister and her discomfort during the interview, a darker picture emerged. The boy's father was a psychiatrist who became addicted to narcotics, which he prescribed for himself. Erik's little sister described her Daddy as often sleeping on the floor, and getting angry with Mom. He would yell and storm out of the house. Erik's sister was afraid of him and in particular afraid of his outburts. Sometimes. she noted, "he was really nice and would take us all on really nice trips," She sighed and added "but he does not go to my school here, even when I was in the play"

She described her brother Erik as the one who always gets in trouble. "When he gets in trouble, Mom and Dad get really mad and Dad had to write letters, and go to court to help Erik to come home." She paused. "Everybody worries about Erik"

This was the clue the social worker had sought. Erik's behaviours formed a reprieve from the chaos of his home. His Dad would not abuse drugs when Erik was in trouble. His Dad would focus on him, and not yell at his mother or hit his daughters.

Mascots or troublemakers, in many ways are like Rodeo clowns who distract the bulls or the bronco's away from the fallen cowboy. This saves lives! In dysfunctional families, where the dysfunction is hidden, the family mascot or trouble maker will draw all attention on themselves, forcing in this case, his dysfunctional mother and father to step away from their problems and focus on Erik.

The mascot is usually boistrous and talented and has many skills to draw attention to themselves. They can be excellent students, or actors, or athletes. They serve to further mask the dysfunction of the family by painting it in a jovial light. They have an answer for everything.

Healing the mascot

When individuals like Erik take their place in a workplace, they will often continue to be mascots for colleagues who may be late, or have other problems. They will continue to detract and to hide the problems,

They do the same in their marriage, often ignoring serious problems until it is too late. The mascot needs to develop the courage to face the real problems and not hide by trying to take attention away from the problem.

THE CLOWN

The clown deals with emotional trauma and distress in the family by making jokes about it. "Dad was drunk like a skunk,,,he even smelled like one!" They take very serious situations and find the humour in it, even if there is none. This way the tension is defused.

The clowns are typically very popular at school and their humour and antics mask a deeper dysfunction happening in the family.

The clown uses humour to distract from his or her emotions and responses. They essentially shut down. As adults, when faced with a serious situation, they repond with humour which is often inappropriate. They find it very difficult to identify and express any emotional responses, in particular when it is something serious.

In marriages, if their spouse complains, they brush it off or make a joke. They do not know how to feel. Typically they will come to me for couples counselling citing communication issues. Invariably, one of them or sometimes both, has a dsyfunctional background where emotions were dismissed and they learned never to express their feelings or even recognize their emotions. Since communication in trauma based households is only on an intellectual rather than a feeling basis, the couple is stuck and they often separate, only sadly to repeat the same mistake,

The clown has learned that he or she cannot say or even express what they actually feel as they would never be heard and would be dismissed. Thus to defuse the pain of rejection or being ignored, they make a joke, The tension is defused, everyone laughts but the clown like Paliachi in the opera, weeps inside.

Healing the Clown

The clown has to be taught what situations they can express their feelings. They need to find a safe space. This is why therapy is very effective as it provides a safe place. They must learn to acknowledge their own sorrow and sadness and learn to allow these feelings rather than shut them down immediately with humour.

I have known therapists who, when clients explain their traumas, cannot process their own emotions and typically use humour or minimize the trauma.

I sometimes recommend movies to the clown, to allow them to cry or to experience pain in a safe environment. The ancient Greeks used to attend theatre for this very reason, so my idea is far from original!

Conclusion

This concludes my series on typical trauma responses to dysfunctional or alcoholic familes and how our coping mechanisms can affect our lives, long after we are physically separated from living with the dysfunction.