Wounds that cannot heal

A few years ago, I watched the movie Excalibur and remembered a scene where the disgraced knight Launcelot fell in battle while clutching his shoulder. He replied to the King "it is an old wound it never healed" It was the wound he suffered for his betrayal of King Arthur.

Many of us, I would say most of us, have been wounded in our lives. In this blog, I am going to speak of 3 typical coping skills that we develop as children in order to cope with the wounds we receive.

There are four basis coping patterns, which are common in children of alcoholics, but are also the case for dysfunctional or disturbed family dynamics. In this article I will deal with the two that I see most often.

The HERO (the fixer of all things!)

Heck, I can solve things even IF the ship has sunk!

The hero child is the one who takes care of matters. They make sure that they do well in school and they take on the role of looking after the family and making sure everything works, In essence, the coping mechanism comes from being unable or unwilling, to admit that something is terribly wrong and trying our best to pave over the problems and pretend everything is alright. They are safe, and they need not confront the real problem and they mask it by 'fixing' it. They fix as they cannot admit the pain they suffer and tell everyone that it is 'all ok'. To fix is to avoid the real problem and therefore to be safe.

In fact it is our pretense that everything is alright that is the heart of the problem. Things are not alright!

As adults, they maintain the facade and will work in terrible conditions, or suffer abuse at the hands of their partners and 'try to fix it', Often, they become "people pleasers " and at work are the ones who will work long hours simply to make sure that everything is fine. As long as they keep up the pretence they will be safe.

Many therapists suffer from this syndrome and take on the role of 'fixing' all problems that come their way. They are safe, they need not confront their own fears as they are fixing others. Therapists also suffer from a very high degree of burnout and blame themselves when a client does not get better.

It is interesting that the compulsive hero, only gets validated or feels protected when they are actively engaged in rescue work of one kind or another. With their children they are overly concerned the children are not perfect, with their partners the same is true. Why has he not advanced in his career? Why did Susie not do well in her math exam? They sadly look at people even, and especially, those whom they love as cases to be repaired. However, people are not like leaking pipes, or roads with potholes, People cannot be repaired so easily!

I often tell the mothers that I see in my practice, who are overly concerned about their children, if they have ever cooked with their children. They laugh and we describe the difficulty it entails, the broken eggs, the flour coating the walls, the batter raw and the whole attempt takes five times as long. The mothers are patient and they don't correct (at least not too much). The lesson here is, when we love, or care for someone we let them make mistakes and we do NOT rush in to 'save the day'.

The same can be said for my clients. Of course, I rejoice when they are healed and they bloom into capable and confident individuals, but I am also saddenend when people simply don't want to get better. They chase other goals, all of which I know will lead to disappointment. With every fiber of my being I want to warn them. I want to tell them to take their time breaking the eggs, to measure the flour and preheat the oven. They go away, crippled and still limping. I want to throw them a cane but I know they cannot pick it up.

The tragedy about developing coping mechanisms, is that we are blind to what is happeneing around us. Fixing our issues, our wounds entails abandoning and going agaisnt what we believe is 'safe'

The invisible wounded

Sometimes, the dysfunction around is is too distressing. Rather than confront and face it or try to repair it, we simply give up. These are the invisible wounded. They prefer not to speak, to retreat at all times. They are terrified as children to be noticed! The teachers love them because 'they never cause problems' Sadly, they miss out on making real and lasting friends as they continue with their disappearing act. They may even have invisible friends.

I treat clients like this, who claim they have friends but when pushed, they are facebook or social media 'friends'. They do not know what a friend is, or what that entails. Our digital age has made it far worse!

Their response to difficulties or trauma as adults it to retreat. They come to my attention for problems with communication. They have learned that to be 'safe' they go dark, or invisible. Wives and husbands will explain that their partner simply shuts them out. The exasperated partner, will keep probing and asking, which causes the invisible client to retreat further.

This is often mistaken for shyness. It is not shyness, they are often extremely competent in their own element but they have learned that when there is the slightest hint of danger or confrontation, the best defence is to hide until the storm has passed. It hurts but rather than confront, they often become passive aggressive. We have all seen that in work meetings. The silent ones, who check their calendars or give little indications that they are angry and try to sabotage the meetings, or make sarcastic remarks. While they will not openly address the issue at hand, they will, but their behavior indicate that they are not happy!

They are in many ways opposite to the fixer, who will charge into a raging fire with a fire extingisher! The invisible person will retreat and call 911 from a very safe distance, or they will make a joke or remark about it.

Typically, women suffer from the invisible syndrome. as I call it, and when difficulties arise at work or in their marriages, they go silent. They take it. I treat many women for burnout at work. They know the problems, they know what to do, but they take the overwork and deal with the problems by 'not making waves'. It has worked before but as in the case of the hero, or any coping mechanism we developed as children to deal with what we cannot understand, it fails to produce the results we want as adults. It very often makes things far worse.

The invisible person is often overlooked or ignored. Growing up in dysfunction, this was a good thing because it meant you were spared from disturbing family dynamics. However, as an adult it leads with being misunderstood as a poor communicator, someone who does not care or someone emotionally crippled because of their tendency, or fall back position of retreat and silence when problems arise.

How to HEAL the wounds

W hy wounds that don't heal? In both cases of these childhood coping mechanism, unless we are aware, we fall back into these patterns. The fixer seeks to fix! The invisible person looks for a small cave in which to hide. The mechanisms destroy the capacity to truly relate to others. We see others as a threat. or as a problem to repair. Thus, you are no longer a human being, but a specimen to be treated.

The invisible person will wait in the shadows and will eventually come to resent their solitude but will never express it. The fixer burns out, and either tries to fix too many people, or marries into impossible situations, hoping to 'change' the spouse.

The wounds will never heal unless we admit that we were wounded and move out of our woundedness into an acceptance of who we are, and who are those with whom we share our lives. They are not puppets, they are not lost causes. In order to heal our wounds we must deliberatly act against them in order to love.

To the fixers out there, put away your hammers and nails. Let your children make mistakes, do not scrutinize your spouse to find a problem you can fix or corret. Let them go, let the children make mistakes, let your spouse have a bad day, allow for bad times, and bad moods. It cannot be sunshine every day.

The invisble person must leave their cave and express their feelings. Do not hide and talk about work, or politics, but actually speak of feelings without fear. You will learn that others have feelings and that they will not judge you, In fact, be surpised to learn more about yourself and others when you act against a mechanism that no longer works. From isolation to others, your journey will allow you to be free.